Jenna Fischer MySpace blog: A Final Message from Rainn Wilson

From Jenna Fischer’s MySpace blog, dated August 29, 2008:

A Final Message from Rainn Wilson

Dear MySpace community of the late Jenna Fischer

There was an unfortunate end to one half of the ‘JAM’ phenomenon due to the unfortunate box office performance of my new motion picture comedy film, ‘The Rocker’.

Ms Jenna Fischer was buried yesterday after 15 days in my trunk. Dehydration and emotional neglect. No peach smoothie for America’s sweetheart, I’m afraid. You can see actual footage of this event on my (failed) promotional website www.FREEJENNANOW.com

As you can see from the videotape cassette, Miss Phyllis Smith has agreed to spend some time in the back seat of my Firebird to help out in my new quest, the pursuit of the coveted ‘Emmy’ award statuette.

Well, the pressure is now off of all of your collective shoulders, but The Rocker, a truly fun, sweet and funny comedy, is still at a theatre near you, entertaining literally hundreds of people across this great nation. Check it out!

That is all.

Rainn Wilson

PS. Jenna Fischer ‘appears’ to be alive and well – having fled her shallow grave. She is, in fact, a member of the undead. She’s a zombie actress. Still sweet as pie.

‘The Rocker’ Tally

Rainn Wilson The Rocker

This posts lists items about the film ‘The Rocker’ starring Rainn Wilson.
It released on Wednesday, August 20, 2008.

Official websites:
The Rocker Movie | The Rocker at MySpace | The Rocker at FaceBook

Today’s news

The latest articles about Rainn Wilson in ‘The Rocker,’ plus a game.

Tipsters: Bryant, Colleen

Previously posted items after the jump. Continue reading “‘The Rocker’ Tally”

Schrute-Space: Swimming is Not for Me (or Why I’m an Amazing Lifeguard)

Every summer since before I was even a young Schrute, my family has dug out an area in the Northwest fields to use as a swimming hole. We fill it with water and a variety of unmarketable beets (to use as flotation devices) and then all of the Schrute children are allowed to visit the pool once a week. Swimming in Schrute Hole is purely for instructional purposes. Since the loss of poor Great Cousin Cordula to a horrific drowning accident in Lake Wallenpaupack back in the early Sixties, it is a family requirement that all Schrute children learn how to swim. Unfortunately for me, I hate swimming.

My swimming lessons were simultaneously extensive and short-lived. I was eight years old, which is the age all Schrutes begin their aqua-training. From the very moment I was thrown into the center of the swimming hole, I knew that I was not meant to be a swimmer. As with all things for Schrute children, however, I had no choice in the matter. My father took on the role of swim instructor and began teaching me. I hated every second of it except for the fact that it was the first occasion I had ever spent time alone with Father.

After the first day, I had to hide in the barn because I didn’t want anyone to see me crying. Crying leads to shunning and at that point, I had already had all the shunning a young boy needs. The process of swim instruction usually takes three full months of weekly three-hour sessions at Schrute Hole. During my second lesson, I was having such a miserable time that I decided to defy my father. Instead of treading water, I sank to the bottom of the swimming hole and dug my heels into the mud. Faced with the choice of letting his strongest son drown or teaching me a lesson for defying him, Father made an incredibly wise decision. He allowed me to stay down there long enough to pass out, but then jumped in and brought me back to consciousness once back on dry ground. When the shock of almost dying wore off, I offered my father a compromise. I would complete the entire Schrute Swimming Course if he could condense it into a week’s worth of lessons. Much to my surprise, he agreed. For the next week, before and after the farm work was completed, I took the full battery of swimming lessons. At the end of the week, not only was I a proficient swimmer, I was an incredible swimmer. And I hated every second of it.

Ever since then, I have not stepped foot in a swimming area of any sort – be it pool, hole, or anything else. Yes, I was accidentally driven into a lake once, but that was not my choice. Being a hero that day was also not my choice, but I accept it for what it is.

I don’t know exactly what it is about swimming that I dislike so much. I believe it has something to do with the fact that I was often left in the bathtub in my youth and forgotten about. The terrible memories of my skin wrinkling until it could wrinkle no more are enough to make me avoid any large collection of water. Other than that, I think there are more issues at play. For most of my life, family members have told me that I quite resemble Great Cousin Cordula, especially in the mouth area. Her lips were apparently very admirable. Sometimes, Grandmutter would say that she can sense a little bit of Cordula in me and I think I’ve always been afraid that she was right. If Cordula’s spirit is in me, I have subconsciously believed that I could befall the same fate as her. This is all a stupid psycho-babble way of saying that I don’t swim because I don’t want to die.
So now, the only time I spend at Schrute Hole is when Mose wants to go swimming. I dutifully stand by as his lifeguard, because, in truth, Mose is my favorite companion at home and I would hate to see him die a terrible soggy death. It is the image of Mose drowning in that murky water that makes me such a vigilant, amazing lifeguard.

Today you have seen into the darkest places of my heart. Don’t think that this will become a regular occurrence.

Yours in Text,
Dwight K. Schrute

Catch ‘The Rocker’ in L.A. last night?

TallyHead Hayley, who was doing her part to help Free Jenna last night, received one of the best accidental ransom rewards to be had … watching ‘The Rocker’ with the cast and crew of The Office last night in Los Angeles!

Hayley reports that she was running a little bit late, and when she got to the movie theater at Universal Studios Citywalk, the movie had just started. The theater was about half-full, and when the lights came up at the end, she realized that most of the people seemed to know each other.

Then she realized that in the middle of the group were none other than Steve Carell, Rainn Wilson, and John Krasinski! Oscar Nuñez, Kate Flannery, Brian Baumgartner, Melora Hardin, Creed Bratton, and Amy Ryan were also in attendance, along with Greg Daniels and about twenty crew members!

Man, what a lucky girl.

Hayley mentions that the cast signed autographs and took photos with fans after the movie. Were any of you there as well?! Please tell!

The Weekend Tally

Tidbits about ‘The Office’ show, cast, and staff for the week ending August 16.

Tidbits

Events this week

For a complete list of events, subscribe to the OfficeTally Calendar.

Tipsters: Joy, Kristina, Valerie, Kelly, Paul, fishosaurus

P.S. A reminder that OfficeTally prefers not to post news or comments related to personal issues or gossip about The Office cast and staff. Thanks!

Jenna Fischer MySpace blog: Free Jenna

From Jenna Fischer’s MySpace blog, dated August 13, 2008:

Attention:

All further inquiries as to the specifics of Jenna’s kidnapping should be directed to www.FreeJennaNow.com

Video message to be posted at 8pm Pacific Time Tuesday August 12, 2008.

That is all.

Rainn

Jenna Fischer MySpace blog: A PERSONAL MESSAGE FROM JENNA’S “FRIEND”, RAINN WILSON

From Jenna Fischer’s MySpace blog, dated August 11, 2008:

Hey there Jenna’s MySpacers!

My name is Rainn Wilson and I’ve kidnapped the lovely Jenna, put her, bound, in the trunk of my firebird and logged onto her MySpace to send out this bulletin.

To free America’s sweetheart, Pam Beesly, one half of the magic which is ‘Jam’, you must attend my new movie, ‘The Rocker’, which opens August 20th.
As soon as the film grosses 18.7 Mil, she will be released and given a peach smoothie.

I’ve also recently discovered that August 20th is truly a special and historic day. Estonia achieved it’s independence! Sting got married to Trudy Skyler! What better way to celebrate the magic of Sting and Estonia than by seeing what is perhaps the greatest film ever made (about a heavy metal drummer).

Many of you have perhaps seen posters of me in my leopard briefs, or the trailers in which my balls get racked by a power strip. And, although the film WILL be adored by legions of teen-aged male Dwight fans, it will also be loved by the whole GD family, including Amish cousins.

It truly is a fun and lovely coming-of-age, rock n’roll comedy and good reviews are coming in, including two thumbs up from Ebert and Roeper and also from my son, Walter (who has three of them).

Also, if you’re a fan of:

Will Arnett, Christina Applegate, Jason Sudeikis, Jane Lynch, Emma Stone, Jeff Garlin, Demitri Martin, Fred Armisen, Bradley Cooper, Pope Benedick III, WINGS (the show and/or the back-up band), coral reefs, soup, Former Mayor Ed Koch, the guy who played Norm on Cheers, baby Suri, dairy, Coldplay, Animal Planet or the letter “Q”…

YOU WILL LOVE THIS MOVIE!

So… Please spend your 10.50$ American on THE ROCKER, get yourself a popcorn and a Mountain Dew, bring 1800 of your closest friends so that 1) Jenna gets a smoothie and 2) They let me be in another movie someday.

That is all.

Rainn Dietrich Wilson

The Weekend Tally

Tidbits about ‘The Office’ show, cast, and staff for the week ending August 10.

Tidbits

Continue reading “The Weekend Tally”