Posted on by tanster

EXCLUSIVE: Dwight’s original list of VP demands

My fellow Americans and select Canadians,

My name is Dwight K. Schrute. Recently, it was brought to my attention that a Presidential candidate has selected me as his Vice President — or as I prefer, Assistant President. I was not surprised by this information, because I am the only suitable choice. As this country’s second in command, I will be cunning; wily; exceedingly loyal to my superiors; and will not hesitate to use heavy artillery. However, unlike my predecessor, I will not fire it off in a friend’s face.

As for Mr. Jonathan McCain: I will accept your offer, old man. But before I do, certain terms must be agreed upon.

  • I may borrow Air Force One whenever I want. I am not required to refill the tank. When piloting Air Force One, I am only to be addressed as “Iceman.”
  • Effective immediately, Jack Bauer is promoted to Secretary of Defense.
  • I demand full government financing of research programs into the beet as an alternative energy source. Beet juice is cheaper than gasoline, better-tasting and only slightly flammable.
  • My bunker must contain a foosball table and be zombie-proof.
  • Secret Service members are to be armed with guns, nunchucks, throwing stars and flamethrowers.
  • I would like a flamethrower.
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51 comments

  3. Thank you so much for posting this Tanster. It was pretty much the coolest thing that’s happened to late night TV EVER. :)

  4. So funny, I laughed the whole time he was reading this on The Tonight Show.

  5. I want the bumper sticker! :)

    Hilarious! Thanks Rainn for thinking of all the fans!

  6. My first thought upon hearing this on Leno, apart from it being awesome, was how great it was he used the loyalty line from Halloween.

  8. So awesome. I love the Harry Potter reference. Dwight probably threw that in there for Mose. Aw! :)

  11. Someone said it before me but I just love how the letter is filled with inside jokes that only Office fans get immediately. I mean the letter itself is funny but knowing the background of some of the ‘demands’ makes it even funnier.
    To people not familiar with The Office, they would just think that these are random things to get a laugh out of people, but we know better.

    Thanks to Rainn and Jennie!

  13. Dwight wouldn’t be assistant president he would be assistant to the president.

  15. why does mccain read dwight’s name off the card in the original clip? seems fishy to me. i’m pretty sure he doesn’t even know who dwight shrute is. i have a lot of questions for him, number one, how dare you.

  18. That was awesome…I wish the shirt said, Dwight Shrute for Assistant President – either way I have to have it!!

  20. Nice job. I love that Dwight would drop mcCain like a sack of potatoes if Barack Obama offered him more. And I remember that line form Halloween. Awesomeness!!!

    And another thing, where can I buy that shirt?

  24. That is the greatest thing ever. I need that shirt. As a matter of fact, if I were able to get that shirt, I would wear it all week at work.

    P.S. With Jack Bauer on board, they would be unstoppable.

  25. If this letter was written by Rainn (as opposed to Tonight Show staff), then why isn’t he a writer for “The Office”? He would be awesome.

  27. Oh man, this was hilarious! Thanks so much for sharing Rainn. And Tanster for posting!

  28. “However, unlike my predecessor, I will not fire it off in a friend’s face.” He did not read that part on Leno, did he? That’s the funniest line.

  29. I would think Dwight would demand a ping-pong table, not a foosball table.

  30. I swear some of those weren’t ON the original list that was on Leno. But still, really hilarious. I would like to see an Eagle fight a Falcon too. VOTE SCHRUTE!! lol.

    Daniel

  33. “Assistant President in Pending” and “Cc: Michael Scott, John McCain” (note that McCain is second!)—the funniest lines of this entirely too funny list.

    Thank you for posting this and huge thanks to Rainn for writing and sharing.

  34. Now I wish this was serious because I’m totally for the J.K. Rowling requirement… even though she lives in the UK and therefore out of the USA’s jurisdiction. Maybe Assistant-President Shrute would use his convincing tactics (from “Did I Stutter?”) against Gordon Brown.

  37. #26–littlestitious–Rainn apparently writes the stuff on Shrute Space by himself. So, I’m assuming that he wrote this as well! (at least I hope he did)! And I agree with you that he should be a writer on the show! This was absolutely amazing!!

    The part with the J.K. Rowling bit made me howl with laughter! I completely agree with him!! What is the world without Harry Potter or The Office?! It’s a world that I don’t want to be a part of, that’s what it is! Am I right or am I right?!

    Thanks Rainn and Tanster!!

  39. I loved this when Rainn read it on The Tonight Show, and it was great to read the “extended version.” Hilarious! How nice of Rainn to email it in for us!

    And add me to the group who MUST have one of those Tshirts.

  44. Dwight’s Secret Service should be armed with cross-bows also. Hopefully the White House has enough room for a large collection of Armoires and his Terrarium.

    I need that t-shirt!

    Vote Schrute!!!

  45. I don’t seem to see the original list everyone’s talking about. Help, please?

  46. lol. AWESOME! if only dwight was running mate of another candidate….then he would be in (at least with me! even tho i’m not voting age :P)

    oh, dwight. you are the best, my man.

    more tee shirts! i want one!!

  48. mufasa look under the article, there are 3 pages, you’ll see: Pages 123. click the numbers

  49. thanks tobester. you see i slept over at a friend’s the other night and forgot my contacts.

  50. How funny that he cc’s Michael Scott. Wonder what Michael would say to this. For Dwight’s full list, click pages 2 and 3. Otherwise you are missing the joke. Go Dwight – Assistant (to the) President!!!

  51. I need that shirt! any idea if they sell it? I love JAM but the Assistant President is H I L A R I O U S!

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