Attention readers: this web log will be doubling as a public service announcement because people are literally DYING out there.
We are in the thick of summer, people. The sun, while a huge ally of the Earth, also serves as one of our biggest enemies. It provides light that we use to see, but it can also scorch your skin into a red blistering mess. There are so many heat-related illnesses that it’s almost impossible to name them all: heatstroke, heat rash, heat cramps, heat exhaustion, heat edema, heat tetany, heat syncope, heat mumps. The list goes on and on. The sun lurks silently in the sky, waiting to claim its next human victim and it’s up to us to stop it.
In the wintertime, nobody bothers to care about the sun at all. That’s because it’s busy resting. Just like bears, the sun hibernates in the sky during the winter. Sure, it still provides sunshine – but just enough to get us through the day. When the sun wakes up, usually around mid-April, it begins a program of solar destruction that takes so many lives each year that it should be at the top of every Most Wanted list in the world.
I feel that it is my duty to combat the sun’s evil efforts by providing you with this list of helpful sun-fighting tips.
• The sun can only hurt you if you leave your skin exposed. Wearing a neoprene wetsuit will cover up most of your vulnerable skin. You’ll also look like a superhero, so that’s a double bonus.
• Sunscreen is sold by the pro-sun lobby. They want to create a market based on your fear of the sun. While your fear is very real and legitimate, their products are essentially a creamy snake oil. You’re much better off using a solvent made of beet juice reduction and white wine vinegar. It may smell delicious to you, and if you’re ever making salad dressing these are two ingredients you don’t want to leave out, but in reality the combination is like kryptonite to the stupid sun. It sends those dangerous rays right back where they came from and sends a message to that big yolk in the sky. It says “Hey Sun, not on MY watch!” So don’t waste your money on sunscreen, it just gets funneled back to pro-sun activities.
• Wear a floppy hat. They might look goofy, but so will you when your face is the color of my childhood wagon/portable beet showroom.
• Never leave your house without at least a gallon of potable drinking water. Drinking water makes you more resistant to the dangerous intrusion of the sun. The sun’s goal is to actually deprive you of water. If you drink water, you’re replacing the very substance that the sun is trying to steal from you. Plus, our bodies are comprised mainly of water. The sun is made up of zero percent water. So remind me, who invented all of the technology on Earth? Humans or the sun? It was humans. The sun never invented anything. That’s why I’ll not only trust humans over the sun, I’ll do everything I can to set myself apart from the sun. Number one on the list of ways to set yourself apart: drinking water.
• Stay indoors between the hours of 9am and 6pm. This will prevent contact with the sun when it is most vindictive.
I don’t know what the sun has against us. What I do know is that the sun is a killer. People die from sun-related problems every single day during the summer and even though I am only one man, I feel the need to do my part. Don’t let the sun catch you off-guard. Be prepared. One day, we will tame the sun and make it do our bidding. Until then, we must always be vigilant.
In Anti-Solar Solidarity,
Dwight Schrute
What did you expect, lobster?