The Office ‘The More You Know’ PSAs

On March 30, 2006, NBC ran a series of hilarious “The More You Know” public service announcements featuring characters from The Office.

I decided to transcribe these little gems of wisdom for the benefit of humanity. Enjoy!

Arctic Wolf

Dwight: The arctic wolf lives on a diet of caribou, musk oxen, lemmings, and hares. I could do that if I had to.

Bears

Dwight: Black bears weigh between two and five hundred pounds. Brown bears weigh between three hundred and over a thousand pounds. Black bears run away from you, brown bears run at you. When attacked by a bear, simply lie still on the ground, and cover your face and head with your hands. When the bear is finished batting you around and mauling you, contact the U.S. Forest Service.

Beer

Ryan: You might be out with your friends on the weekend in a cool part of town, and someone offers you a beer for $9. Don’t do it. $9 is way too much to pay for a beer. Just walk away.

Boys

Kelly: Some boys think they’re so great, but here’s the deal, they’re not.

Cake

Pam: It’s never funny to smush wedding cake in a bride’s face. It ruins her makeup for the rest of the night, and that photographer cost a lot of money.

Foul

Jim: When you’re playing pickup basketball, and someone tries to make you feel bad about calling a foul, remember, it’s okay to call a foul. Don’t let anyone make you feel ashamed. They know what they did.

Fugitive

Jim: I accidentally saw “The Fugitive” again on cable this weekend. That is a really good movie. It’s like, really, really, really good.

Invite

Pam: When you get a wedding invitation in the mail, put it in a safe place. All the information you need is on that card. Don’t call the bride three days before the wedding, and ask her how to get there. It’s on the card.

Jellybeans

Jim: After a well-balanced meal, or for a well-deserved snack after school, you might want to grab a handful of jellybeans. Don’t eat the black jellybeans. They taste disgusting. It’s just my opinion, but it’s true.

Lipstick

Kelly: Hey girls! Sometimes, if you use two different shades of lipstick, it could even look cuter. And it could even be, a conversation starter. You’re welcome!

Meteor

Dwight: Myth: wolves are dangerous to humans. Fact: you have a better chance of being hit by a meteorite than eaten by a wolf. Except if you wake up naked in the woods.

Relationship

Kelly: If you’re in an office relationship, make the very most of it.
Ryan: If you’re in an office relationship, try to cool things off. Things may be moving faster than you want them to move.
Kelly: Who knows who this guy could be? He could be your husband. You should totally go for it, and snag onto him, and never let go.
Ryan: If you can’t get out of the relationship, try to keep your distance. Stay apart. Do things independently of the other person.
Kelly: It’s going to be the best thing that ever happened to you, so you gotta get in one.
Ryan: An office relationship is something that you should avoid, if you possibly can.

Saltine

Jim: When you’re sitting around with a group of friends, just looking for a way to fit in, eating six saltines in under a minute may sound like a lot of fun, but it’s also really dangerous. So please, eat crackers responsibly.

Short

Ryan: People may tease you for being short, even though you’re 5’9″. Well let me tell you something, 5’9″ isn’t short. Neither is 5’8-3/4″. It’s average. It’s not tall, but it’s not short, either. It’s average. Check your almanac.

Smell

Pam: People may laugh at you when you put the word “smell” into everyday phrases. Like “smell you later.” Or “smello.” But I promise you, it’s not funny, and they’re just being nice to you. Because you maybe are their boss.

Taping Sex

Ryan: Never, ever, ever, tape yourself having sex. You think you’re gonna erase it, you say you’re gonna erase it, but you’re not gonna erase it. And someone’s gonna find it. It’s just the worst, worst idea you could do. Never, EVER, tape yourself having sex. I can’t stress this enough.

Thumb

Dwight: Did you know that the human thumb is formed by 15 interchangeable joints? Wrong. Don’t believe everything that people on television tell you. Cause some of them don’t know what they’re talking about.