The Office: Office Olympics, 2.03

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Writer: Michael Schur, Director: Paul Feig

Summary (DVD): The pressure is on when Mihcael has a panic attack during his new real estate purchase, and the Dunder Mifflin employees compete in improvised “Office Olympics” while he and Dwight are away.

The Office Office Olympics extras

• Read more about Office Olympics in B.J. Novak’s TV Guide blog!
• The role of Michael’s realtor is played by Steve Carell’s real-life wife, Nancy Walls.
• From an April 2011 interview with Entertainment Weekly, The Office executive producer Paul Lieberstein chooses Office Olympics as his favorite Michael Scott episode: “The first time Michael Scott cried was in ‘Office Olympics’ (season 2). It wasn’t scripted — it was Steve’s choice on set. He was being handed a meaningless medal made of a yogurt lid for doing nothing, and it blew my mind how hard this character could twist reality to fit his needs. It created a new world for our storytelling. And crying Michael, for me, is some of the funniest Michael we’ve done.”

The Office Office Olympics quotes

Michael: I’m an early bird and I’m a night owl. So I’m wise, and I have worms.

Michael: But thank you, and why don’t you just, take a couple of hours, office is yours. Home Alone, Risky Business. Take your pants off, run around. Whatever you wanna do.
Ryan: I’m just going to take a nap in my car ’til works starts.

Michael: Healthier, gotta watch those carbs.

Michael: Back in olden days, they would not even let you vote unless you owned property. And they’d throw you in the stocks, and humiliate you.

Dwight: They should bring the stocks back, people would obey the law, there’d be less trouble makers.

Pam: Every so often, Jim dies of boredom. I think today, it was the expense reports that did him in. And uh, our deal is, that it’s up to me to revive him.

Pam: Sometimes, when he’s not here, I try to throw stuff in it.

Dwight: I have been Michael’s number two guy for about five years, and we make a great team. And we’re like one of those classic famous teams. He’s like Mozart, and I’m like … Mozart’s friend. No, I’m like Butch Cassidy, and Michael is like … Mozart. You try and hurt Mozart, you’re gonna get a bullet in your head, courtesy of Butch Cassidy.

Michael: Ah, most honorable Pamera. Not offensive, because that’s the way they talk in movies.

Pam: Yes, I changed your Cracked magazine subscription.
Michael: How ’bout, mmm, uh, Fine Arts … Afficionado … Monthly.
Pam shakes head.
Michael: No? Okay, well, could you get on that? Cuz I don’t just read Cracked.

Dwight (pointing to his sunglasses): Check it out. Terminator.
Michael: I do not understand what you spend your money on.

Jim: I really love the, uh, paper triangle flicking and hitting things game.
Oscar: Yeah.
Kevin: We call it Hateball.
Jim: Why?
Kevin: Because of how much Angela hates it. Angela gives Kevin the look of death.

Kevin: Sometimes we play, who can put the most M&Ms in their mouth.
Angela: You play that.

Michael: Right there. My sanctuary. My party pad.

Michael: Oh nooooo! Mr. Bill, oooooh!

Dwight: Actually, I do own property. My grandfather left me a 60-acre working beet farm. I run it with my cousin Mose. We sell beets to local stores and restaurants. It’s a nice little farm. Sometimes teenagers use it for sex.

Real estate agent: It’s a very gay-friendly neighborhood.
Michael: Oh good, that’s good. It’s good to be accommodating of … that.
Dwight: Let’s go check out the master bedroom.

Stanley: Yeah, I got a game. It’s called, work hard so my kids can go to college.

Michael: Check out the cathedral ceilings, those are like 17 feet high …

Michael: I am going to totally pimp this place out.

Dwight: Neighbor throws his wife into the wall, plasma screen hits the floor, totally smashed.

Jim: This scented candle, andle, andle … which I found in the mens’ bathroom, room, room … represents the eternal … burning … of competition … or something.
Kevin: It smells like cookies.
Jim: Yes it does. Yes it does, my friend.

Angela: I do play games. I sing. And I dangle things in front of my cats. I play lots of games. Just not at work.

Dwight: Hey, I have an idea. You know that extra bedroom? If the whole girlfriend thing never happens, that’s where the nurse can live.

Dwight: Hey look, cool! Carpenter ants.

Dwight: A thirty-year mortgage at Michael’s age essentially means that he’s buying a coffin. If I were buying my coffin, I would get one with thicker walls, so you couldn’t hear the other dead people.

Jim: You have what is the national sport of Icelandic paper companies. And I’m blanking on the name … could you help me out, Pam?
Pam: Jim, they refer to it as … Flonkerton. In English, box of paper snowshoe racing.

Pam: The thing about Jim is, when he’s excited about something, like the office Olympics, he gets really into it, and he does a really great job. But the problem with Jim is, that he works here, so that hardly ever happens.

Jim: Phyllis, if you just put your foot right through here, right through the flonk.

Michael: The ceilings are lower than they were last week.

Michael: Where are all the hot people?

Michael: There’s a basic principle, in real estate. That you should never be the best looking person in the development. It’s just sort of common sense. Because if you are, then, you got no place to go but down.

Dwight: Can you imagine those poor saps stuck at the office today?

Jim: It’s Phyllis, it’s Phyllis by a nose, gold medal in flerninton.
Pam: It’s flonkerton!
Jim: Thank you, delegate from Iceland.

Dwight: Question. Where can I put my terrarium?
Michael: What the hell is a terrarium?
Dwight: It’s a fish tank for snakes and lizards.
Michael: Oh, so an aquarium.
Dwight sneers at the camera.
Dwight: Question: my grandparents left me a large number of armoires …

Pam: C’mon Angela, don’t you have a game.
Angela: I have one, yes.
Pam: Well let’s play, what is it?
Angela: I call it Pam Pong, I count how many times Jim gets up from his desk and goes to reception to talk to you.
Pam: We’re friends.
Angela: Apparently.

Phyllis: Are you callin’ me a ho?
Jim: Oh-my-god. Phyllis coming alive, I like it.

Dwight: Can sometimes I drive your car, and you drive mine?

Dwight: It was nice of him to offer, but I live in a 9-bedroom farmhouse. I have my own crossbow range. It’s the perfect situation for me. Although two bathrooms would have been nice. We just have the one. And it’s under the porch.

Dwight: People love beets.
Michael: Nobody likes beets.
Dwight: Everyone loves beets.
Michael: Nobody likes beets, Dwight.
Michael: Why don’t you grow something that everybody does like? You should grow candy.

Jim: Yeah, I filled out the expense reports. That took about five minutes. And then I closed two sales at lunch time. So, about as productive as any other day. If not more so.

Ryan: I figured I could throw it away now. Or I could keep it for a couple of months, and then throw it away. I mean, it was really nice of Pam to make them, but what am I going to do with a gold medal made of paper clips and an old yogurt lid.

Jim: Today, five o’clock, closing ceremonies.
Pam: Really?
Jim: Notify the athletes.
Pam: Cool.

Michael: I don’t really know what to say, um, I’m not one for making speeches, but uh, my heart is very full at this moment.

Michael: Why are you playing the national anthem?
Jim: Um, cuz your condo’s in America.

Michael (as Pam pulls out the string of paper doves): What the hell is that?
Jim: Those are the doves.