The Office: Pilot, 1.01

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Writers: Greg Daniels, Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant
Director: Ken Kwapis

Summary (DVD): A documentary crew visits Dunder Mifflin to learn about modern management techniques and observe employee behavior. Oblivious regional supervisor Michael Scott struggles to maintain his staff’s morale as rumors of impending layoffs circulate.

The Office Pilot: Stapler in Jello prank

The Office Pilot: Michael Scott makes Pam cry

https://youtu.be/wAxtVMuDYD8

The Office Pilot extras

• Read James’ Northern Attack recap.
• Publicity photos

The Office Pilot DVD commentary

• B.J. Novak states that the pilot was shot “six to eight months before” the rest of Season 1.
• Steve Carell recalls his cold reading in front of Ricky Gervais to be “scary.”
• Steve Carell watched only some of the pilot of the original UK version of The Office before auditioning for the role of Michael Scott, because he didn’t want to do an impression of David Brent.
• John Krasinski watched the entire original series and was a huge fan of the show. Likewise, Rainn Wilson had seen every single episode of the original series before his audition.
• The pencil scene (where Jim has lined up a bunch of pencils between his and Dwight’s desks) was shot out of sequence, filmed the last day of shooting, to replace the box scene, where Jim piles a bunch of boxes between their desks. (Continuity error: you can actually see the pile of boxes in a subsequent scene!)
• The meeting room scene, where Michael talks to everybody about downsizing, includes two women who are the actual accountants on the show.
• Rainn used to be an acting teacher.
• Rainn takes credit for designing Dwight Schrute’s hairstyle, saying it was how he used to comb his hair when he was 16 years old.
• Rainn Wilson mentions that someone described the character of Dwight as a “fascist nerd.”
• B.J. Novak says the crying scene was shot around 50 times.
• John talks about his chemistry with Jenna as not “beakers and bubbles. We’re talking connections.”
• The final scene of the episode, where Jim puts a Jell-o mold of Michael’s mug on his desk, is the only scene in which The Office theme song is played in the background.

The Office Pilot quotes

Michael: All right, Jim. Your quarterlies look very good. How are things at the library?
Jim: I told you. I couldn’t close it.
Michael: So you’ve come to the master for guidance? Is this what you’re saying, grasshopper?
Jim: Actually, you called me in here, but, yeah.
Michael: All right. Well, let me show you how it’s done.

Michael: Yes, I’d like to speak to your office manager, please. Yes, hello. This is Michael Scott. I am the Regional Manager of Dunder Mifflin Paper Products. Just wanted to talk to you manager-à-manager. All right, done deal! Thank you very much, sir. You’re a gentleman and a scholar. Oh, I’m sorry. Okay. I’m sorry. My mistake. That was a woman I was talking to, so… she had a very low voice. Probably a smoker, so… So that’s the way it’s done.

Michael: I’ve been at Dunder Mifflin for 12 years, the last four as Regional Manager. If you want to come through here, we have the entire floor. So this is my kingdom, as far as the eye can see. This is our receptionist, Pam. Pam! Pam-Pam! Pam Beesly. Pam has been with us for… forever. Right, Pam?
Pam: Well, I don’t know.
Michael: If you think she’s cute now, you should have seen her a couple of years ago (growls).
Pam: What?
Michael: Any messages?
Pam: Um, yeah. Just a fax.
Michael: Oh! Pam, this is from Corporate. How many times have I told you, that there’s a special filing cabinet for things from Corporate.
Pam: You haven’t told me.
Michael: It’s called the wastepaper basket! Look at that! Look at that face.

Michael: People say I am the best boss. They go, god, we’ve never worked in a place like this before. You’re hilarious. And you get the best out of us. (Holds up a mug that says “World’s Best Boss”) I think that pretty much sums it up. I found it at Spencer Gifts.

Dwight: Shall I play for you, pa rum pum pum pum. I have no gifts for you, pa rum pum pum pum.

Jim: My job is to speak to clients on the phone about quantities and type of copier paper. You know, whether we can supply it to them. Whether they can pay for it. And… I’m boring myself just talking about this.

Michael: Whassup!
Jim: Whassup! I still love that after seven years.

Michael: Corporate really doesn’t really interfere with me at all. Jan Levenson Gould. Jan, hello. I call her Hillary Rodham Clinton. Right? Not to her face, because… well, not because I’m scared of her. Because I’m not.

Michael: Me no get an agenda.

Michael: Alarm bells are kinda going, ringy dingy dingy!

Jan: I’ve spoken to Josh in Stamford. I’ve told him the same as you and it’s up to either you or him to convince me that your branch can incorporate the other.
Michael: OK. No problem.
Jan: This does, however, mean that there is going to be downsizing.
Michael: Me no wanna hear that, Jan. Because downsizing is a bitch. It is a real bitch. And I wouldn’t wish that on Josh’s men. I certainly wouldn’t wish it on my men. Or women, present company excluded. Sorry. Is Josh concerned about downsizing himself? Not downsizing himself but is he concerned about downsizing?

Michael: Packman.
Todd Packer: Hey, you big queen.
Michael: Oh, that’s not appropriate.
Todd Packer: Hey, is old Godzillary coming in today?
Michael: Uh, I don’t know what you mean.
Todd Packer: I’ve been meaning to ask you one question. Does the carpet match the drapes.
Michael: Oh, my God! Oh… that’s… horrifying. Horrible, horrible person.
Jan: So do you think we could keep a lid on this for now? I don’t want to worry people unnecessarily.
Michael: No, absolutely. Under this regime, it will not leave this office. Like that.

Oscar: You guys better update your resumes just like I’m doing.

Angela: I bet it’s gonna be me. Probably gonna be me.
Kevin: Yeah, it’ll be you.

Pam: I have an important question for you.
Jim: Yes?
Pam: Are you going to Angela’s cat party on Sunday?
Jim: Yeah, stop. That is ridiculous.

Michael: Am I going to tell them? No, I am not going to tell them. I don’t see the point of that. As a doctor, you would not tell a patient if they had cancer.

Pam: This is Mr. Scott.
Michael: Guilty! Guilty as charged!
Ryan: Ryan Howard from the temp agency. Daniqua sent me down to start today.
Michael: Howard, like Moe Howard. Three Stooges.
Ryan: Yup.
Michael: Watch this. This is Moe. Nyuck-nyuck-nyuck-nyuck-nyuck. Mee! Ah, right here. Three Stooges. Oh, Pam. It’s a guy thing, Pam. I’m sort of a student of comedy. Watch this. Here we go. I’m Hitler. Adolf Hitler.

Pam: I don’t think it would be the worst thing if they let me go because then I might… I don’t think it’s many little girls’ dream to be a receptionist. I like to do illustrations. Mostly watercolor. A few oil pencil. Jim thinks they’re good.

Pam: Dunder Mifflin. This is Pam.

Jim: What are you doing?
Dwight: Just clearing my desk. I can’t concentrate.
Jim: It’s not on your desk.
Dwight: It’s overlapping. It’s all spilling over the edge. One word, two syllables. Demarcation.
Dwight: You can’t do that.
Jim: Why not?
Dwight: Safety violation. I could fall and pierce an organ.
Jim (crosses fingers): We’ll see. This is why the whole downsizing thing just doesn’t bother me.

Dwight: Downsizing? I have no problem with that. I have been recommending downsizing since I first got here. Even brought it up in my interview. I say, bring it on.

Michael: Oh this is so important, I should run to answer it. Sha-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta, sha-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta, sha-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta …
Pam: What?
Michael: Come on. Six Million Dollar Man! Steve Austin! Actually, that would be a good salary for me, don’t you think? Six million dollars? Memo to Jan. I deserve a raise.
Pam: Don’t we all?
Michael: I’m sorry?
Pam: Nothing.
Michael: If you’re unhappy with your compensation, maybe you should take it up with HR okay? Not today, OK? Pam, just be professional.

Michael: I think I’m a role model here. I think I garner people’s respect.

Michael: People I respect, heroes of mine, would be Bob Hope, Abraham Lincoln, definitely. Bono. And probably God would be the fourth one. And I just think all those people really helped the world in so many ways, that it’s really beyond words. It’s really incalculcable.

Ryan: I heard they might be closing this branch down. That’s just the rumor going around. This is my first day. I don’t really know.

Michael: Pam, maybe you should stick to the ongoing confidentiality agreement of meetings.
Dwight: Pam, information is power.

Michael: You can go mess with Josh’s people, but I’m the head of this family, and you ain’t gonna be messing with my chillun.

Jim: If I left, what would I do with all this useless information in my head? You know? Tonnage price of manila folders? Pam’s favorite flavor of yogurt? Which is mixed berry.

Pam: Jim said mixed berries? Well, yeah, he’s on to me.

Dwight: Dwight Schrute, Assistant Regional Manager.
Michael: Assistant to the Regional Manager. So, Dwight, tell him about the kung fu and the car and everything.
Dwight: Uh… yeah I got a ’78 280Z. Bought it for $1,200. Fixed it up. It’s now worth three grand.
Michael: That’s his profit.
Dwight: New engine, new suspension, I got a respray. I’ve got some photos.

Dwight: Damn it! Jim!
Michael: OK. Hold on, hold on. The judge is in session. What is the problem here?
Dwight: He put my stuff in Jell-O again.
Dwight: That’s real professional, thanks. That’s the third time and it wasn’t funny the first two times either, Jim.

Dwight: It’s okay here, but people sometimes take advantage because it’s so relaxed. I’m a volunteer Sheriff’s Deputy on the weekends. And you cannot screw around there. That’s sort of one of the rules.

Michael: What is that?
Dwight: That is my stapler.
Michael: No, no, no. Do not take it out. You have to eat it out of there, because there are starving people in the world, which I hate, and it is a waste of that kind of food.
Dwight: Okay you know what, you can be a witness. Can you reprimand him please?
Jim: How do you know it was me?
Dwight: It’s always you. Are you going to discipline him or not?
Michael: Oooh, discipline, kinky! All right, here’s the deal, you guys. The thing about a practical joke is that you have to know when to start as well as when to stop.
Dwight: Yeah.
Michael: And yeah, Jim, now is the time to stop putting Dwight’s personal effects into Jell-O.
Jim: OK. Dwight, I’m sorry, because I have always been your biggest flan.
Michael: Nice. That’s the way it is around here. It just kind of goes round and round.
Ryan: You should’ve put him in custardy.
Michael: Hey! Yes, new guy! He scores.
Dwight: Okay, that’s great. I guess what I’m most concerned with is damage to company property. That’s all.
Michael: Pudding. Pudding… I’m trying to think of another dessert to do.

Jim: Do you like going out at the end of the week for a drink?
Pam: Yeah.
Jim: That’s why we’re all going out. So we can have an end-of-the-week-drink.

Pam: Roy’s my fiance. We’ve been engaged about three years. We were supposed to get married in September, but I think we’re gonna get married in the spring.

Pam: Do you mind if I go out for a drink with these guys?
Roy: No, no. Come on. Let’s get out of here and go home.
Pam: OK. I’m gonna be a few minutes. So it’s only twenty past five. I still have to do my faxes.
Jim: You know what? You should come with us. Because you know we’re all going out and it could be a good chance for you to see what people are like outside the office. I think it could be fun.
Roy: It sounds good. Seriously, we’ve gotta get going.
Jim: Yeah, yeah.
Jim: Um… What’s in the bag?
Roy: Just tell her I’ll talk to her later.
Jim: No, definitely. All right, dude. Awesome. Will do.

Jim: Do I think I’ll be invited to the wedding?

Michael: So have you felt the vibe yet? We work hard, we play hard. Sometimes we play hard when we should be working hard. Right? I guess the atmosphere that I’ve created here is that I’m a friend first, and a boss second, and probably an entertainer third.

Michael: Do you like The Jamie Kennedy Experiment? Punk’d and all that kind of stuff?

Michael: Just follow my lead. Don’t pimp me, all right?

Michael: You have made my life so much easier in that I am going to have to let you go first.
Pam: What? Why?
Michael: Why? Well, theft and stealing.
Pam: Stealing? What am I supposed to have stolen?
Michael: Post-it Notes.
Pam: Post-it Notes? What are those worth, fifty cents?
Michael: Fifty cents, yeah. If you steal a thousand Post-It Notes at fifty cents apiece, and you know, you’ve made a profit… margin. You’re gonna run us out of business, Pam.
Pam: Are you serious?
Michael: Yeah. I am.
Pam: I can’t believe this. I mean I have never even stolen as much as a paper clip and you’re firing me.
Michael: But the best thing about it is that we’re not going to have to give you any severance pay. Because that is gross misconduct and… just clean out your desk. I’m sorry.
Michael: You been X’d, punk! Surprise! It’s a joke. We were joking around. See? Okay. He was in on it. He was my accomplice. And it was kind of a morale booster thing. And we were showing the new guy around, giving him the feel of the place. So you… God, we totally got you.
Pam: You’re a jerk.
Michael: I don’t know about that.

Michael: What is the most important thing for a company? Is it the cash flow? Is it the inventory? It’s the people. The people. My proudest moment here was not when I increased profits by 17% or when I cut expenses without losing a single employee. No, no, no, no, no. It was a young Guatemalan guy. First job in the country, barely spoke English. He came to me, and said, “Mr. Scott, would you be the godfather of my child?” Wow. Wow. Didn’t work out in the end. We had to let him go. He sucked.

The Office Pilot deleted scenes quotes

Dwight: Dwight Schrute. My father’s name, also Dwight Schrute. My grandfather’s name, Dwide Schrude, Amish. That’s my family. I don’t know where they came, the Amish, came from originally. Uh, Amland.

Jim: My name is Jim Halpert and I am a sales rep, which is a very important job. Um, without me dozens literally dozens of small businesses would go paperless. They would have to write on their hands, or bed sheets, or who knows you know. Total chaos, total chaos. I mean or they could get their paper somewhere else. Staples maybe. I don’t know.

Michael: Yeah, at one time or another every guy in the office has sprayed on Pam.

Michael: All these people are walking around and they’re happy and their lives are just going along, ignorance is bliss. But if they knew what was lurking on the other side of that fence, that furry monster. I’m gonna get you, downsizing. No. They wouldn’t… They’d freak. And I’m not going to play God. They look to me for support. And they look to me for guidance and leadership. And I think if I could lie to them and it serves them, then that’s what I’m going to do.

Michael: So this is our sales staff. They are the ones who are making calls and making us lots of money. This is accounting. The numbers dudes. Do not let the job description fool you, they are all completely crazy. Especially that guy, he is a mental patient. Not literally of course, that wouldn’t work. The last place you’d want somebody like that is accounting. “Very interesting, but stupid.” Artie Johnson. It’s a crazy place.

Angela: Oscar, how do I describe him. He’s like a stapler. Do I need a stapler? Yes. But, I’m still the one that has to push it down.
Oscar: There’s a lot of anxiety. I don’t want to get laid off. This place is like five minutes from my house.
Kevin: I don’t wanna be laid off. This is a good job for me. ‘Cause I need my nights free. I’m in a band.

Michael: What’s that?
Pam: Wired.
Michael: Oh, John Belushi. What a crazy guy. Phew, freaked myself out this morning.
Pam: Oh, yeah.
Michael: Yeah. I thought I found a lump. I checked the, I check the jewels every month. This time… You know, it’s a little different. It was fine. It was fine. But freaky, man, you know. Testicular cancer, God. Cancer, whoa testicles. So… What’s, um… What you eating?
Pam: Smoked turkey.
Michael: Oh, place around the corner. Nice. All right. See you later.

Documentary crew: Can you move it out? Can you move it? Is that all right? Can you make that work?
Dwight: That’s fine.
Documentary crew: No, you don’t even need … That’s fine. We’ll keep it…
Dwight: I’m sorry, it makes me nervous.
Documentary crew : Understood, but it is what we need to capture what you’re saying as clearly as possible.
Dwight: I understand. It’s in a blind spot because I’m trained in several martial arts and one of them, includes an awareness that the masters bring, of anything on all sides of you. It could be behind you or whatever. This is directly in a blind spot, so I’m trained to respond negatively to something right above my head. This now I have an eye on. You see, it’s on my periphery and if I needed to block it, attack it, stop it somehow. I could come right out.