The Office roast

In The Office Season 5 episode Stress Relief, Michael holds a roast in his honor, thinking that it will relieve stress in the office.

Here is what each of the characters says during the roast, and what Michael says in return.

• Angela: If you ever wondered whether you were Michael Scott, here’s a quiz to help. If you ever put sunblock on a window, you might be Michael Scott. If you ever called the fire department ’cause your head was stuck in your chair you might be… Michael Scott!
• Kelly: I have made a list of people that I would make out with before I would make out with Michael Scott. A turtle, a fridge, anybody from the warehouse, a wood chipper, Kevin, a candle, and Lord Voldemort. Anyway, Happy Birthday, Michael.
• Meredith: Michael, you ran over me with your car. You posted a picture of my bare boobs on the bulletin board with a caption that said “Gross.” Michael, you are the reason I drink. You are the reason I live to forget.
• Jim: Several times a day, Michael says words that are way beyond my vocabulary. Remember spider face? ‘Cause the quote was, “cut off your nose to spider face.”
• Dwight: You pathetic, short little man. You don’t have any friends or any family or any land!
• Pam: Once every hour, someone is involved in an Internet scam. That man is Michael Scott. He’s supporting about 20 Nigerian princesses. Michael is a great delegator. He never does any work himself, ever. And one time, I walked in on him naked, and his thing is so small. (Kevin yells “How small is it?”) If it were an iPod, it would be a shuffle!
• Andy (singing to the tune of “What I Like About You”): What I hate about you, you really suck as a boss, you’re the laziest, jerkiest, and you’re dumber than applesauce. We’re stuck listening to you all day, Stanley tried to die just to get away, well it’s true. That’s what I hate about you. That’s what I hate about you.

When Michael returns to the office, he has a few roasts of his own:

Michael: Jim, you’re 6’11 and you weigh 90 pounds. Gumby has a better body than you. Boom, roasted. Dwight, you’re a kiss ass. Boom, roasted. Pam, you failed art school. Boom, roasted. Meredith, you’ve slept with so many guys, you’re starting to look like one. Boom, roasted. Kevin, I can’t decide between a fat joke and a dumb joke. Boom, roasted. Creed, your teeth called, your breath stinks. Boom, roasted. Angela, where’s Angela? Whoa, there you are, I didn’t see you there behind that grain of rice. Boom, roasted. Stanley, you crush your wife during sex and your heart sucks. Boom, roasted. Oscar, you are… Oscar, you’re gay. Andy, Cornell called, they think you suck. And you’re gayer than Oscar. Boom, roasted. Alright. Alright everybody, you know I kid, you know I kid. You guys are the reason I went into the paper business, so, uh, goodnight, God bless, God bless America, and get home safe.